Getting back to work after babies.

Life leads us down strange paths. We grow up and go to school, college and beyond. We are constantly reminded about what amazing careers we can have, how we can earn lots of money, use our experience and our brains to be the best, climb the career ladder, be respected by our peers and work our butts off to prove we can do the best we can.

And then we get pregnant...

How quickly life can change. From climbing and climbing the ladder at work, our priorities suddenly change. As our tummies get bigger, our thoughts turn to those of motherhood. Suddenly, that project deadline isn't as vital as it used to be, and that database doesn't look quite as exciting as the new Fisher Price bouncer chair.  And then maternity leave starts.

UK mothers are lucky, we have a right to leave our workplace and still receive some income. Some bigger companies are very generous and will pay a very decent maternity pay to their employees, meaning that we can spend a year or so off work, and still be paid.  All too easily that year could be extended, or another baby comes along, the visits to take baby up to meet your colleagues and talk shop diminish as they are taken over by baby groups, toddler play and new mummy friends.

Maybe a year, two or five later, your little darling starts nursery or school and you feel that you are ready to get back to work.  But after such a long break, is your old job there to welcome you back? Unfortunately, employers aren't obliged to keep jobs open more than a year, and then the barrage of questions arise including: do I want to work full time? Do I want to work full time and then the additional 10 hours of overtime in my high powered job? Do I want to have to travel the world every other week.

Some women, quite understandably DO want to do that. They have had their break to have the babies and now want to get back into what they do best, and continue up the ladder of career success, others want to get more of an equal balance of home and work time and will look at part time jobs. It doesn't matter what you want to do, it matters how you give yourself the confidence to do it.

The thought of getting back into work after a long break can be terribly frightening. These thoughts include but are certainly not limited to
- what if I can't do my job anymore? What if technology has changed too much and I can't keep up? What if I don't want to work more than 20 hours, what if I go to work and I get a call to say my child is sick?

These thoughts make us feel scared, nervous, anxious, and certainly won't give us the power to hold our heads up high and get back into the field.  As a result, you may be more reluctant to apply for those jobs you know you could have done with your eyes shut a few years ago. You may not know what to put on your CV for the time you've not worked and the pressure of the unknown builds up.

But it doesn't have to be like that at all.
Firstly, decide how much time you want to spend at work, and how much at home. Decide how much money you would like to earn and earmark the sort of jobs you were doing BB (before baby) and what you might like to do now.

Secondly, when you write your CV, remember all the skills you had then, and haven't lost (it's difficult to lose skills without losing anatomy).  Add to that the skills you've gained as a mother, multi-tasking, project management, event planning, diary organising and you have already added additional quality to your CV.

Think about everything you are capable of and how much you have already achieved, think of the feelings that generates. Picture yourself at work and think about how that makes you feel.  How powerful, how clever, motivated you can be and then take those positive feelings, and put them in a power suit and go sell yourself at an interview. You know how great you can be, so tell your interviewer. Tell them you can tackle anything thrown at you (literally, you know that from having a baby). Your positivity will shine through and before you know it, your biggest quandary will be which job to take, how many hours to commit and what to wear on your first day.

Once you start your new job, you will find you are exhausted. You will do a days' work, come home and do a days' parenting,  and then collapse in a heap once the babies are asleep.  This is what ready meals and takeaways are made for. It won't be like that every day, you will gain your balance and realise that some things are not as important as others (tidying the house for one). Within a couple of weeks you will have forgotten how much time you had away from work to start with and will remember that not all conversations need to include nappies, nursery's and naughty nippers in them. 

Are you you, or just a parent?

There is no amount of preparation in Ante Natal classes, Gina Ford books, Midwife appointments that can really prepare you for having children. 9 months spent growing this small person inside you, hormones all over the place, other people giving you "advice", telling you what to do. and then out pops this small human being, who is slapped on the bum, made to cry and then handed over to you!
What the hell do you do with it?

As a parent it becomes all too apparent that you know what to do, instincts kick in and baby grows and before you know it you're the expert, telling others what to do, how to bring up baby, what to expect.

But sometimes it can all get a little overwhelming. Where is the old you? Have you lost your identity as an individual in your own right. Will you ever get it back? Do people only talk to you about your baby, how's he doing? is he weaning? No one asks how you are, or what you've eaten for lunch. Do you even ask yourself those questions? Do you find you have lost touch with old non-baby friends? Have they stopped calling you?

But despite having children, you are still you. You need to evaluate the way you are thinking about yourself as a parent and you have the choice of those thoughts. You can choose to think solely about when to prepare the next feed, when to change nappies and what story to read, or you could choose to think about what you will do with your evening, once baby has gone to sleep, what to read, to watch on TV, what to wear tomorrow and how great you are at multi-tasking, how this skill could be used in other areas.

It is SO important to keep your own identity if you still want to be the person you were before your children were born. Everyone loves your children but you still want them to love you, invite you out, have a laugh and talk about something other than nappies and first words. It does not make you love your children less or be less of a parent, in fact, it will make you more of a parent if you have more to share with your children outside of their own activities.
So think about yourself, feel good about yourself, do things for yourself and not only will YOU have a better life, but those around you will too.

In order to attract others, we must first be attracted to ourselves

So many people I come across who are lonely, say the can't attract the right partner or even the right friends. Doomed to be alone forever, they complain about themselves in every possible way. They complain about their looks, their personality, living situations and anything else they can think of.

So I say to them, put yourselves in your suitors shoes, if you were them, and came across your own profile, complaining about every aspect of yourself, how attractive would you find that? How quickly would you move on to the next person and forget about you?

You cannot change the way people think, and first impressions are the ones we usually react to, so what you have to do is market yourself. Quite simply, sell yourself in a way that if you came across yourself you would be very interested in finding out more.

This is very easily done. Simply make a list of all the good things about yourself. If you think you don't have any, ask other friends and family. Look around yourself, look at what you do and what you've achieved. If you still can't think of anything ask yourself this:

Are you really the ugliest person on the planet, that not one person could find attractive?

Are you really so dull, that you don't have anything to talk about even with the postman?

Have you really NEVER done anything exciting in your whole life? Ever?

Have you never had anything to smile about EVER?

Once you answer these questions, you will see how easy it is to see the positives in yourself, and once you see the positives, you might even start to like yourself. Look in the mirror and smile at yourself. Pay yourself a compliment. Have you ever done that before? Tell yourself you're looking good, your skin is clear, you've lost a pound, you did so well at work yesterday. Once you start to do this, and get comfortable doing this, you will think correctly that others should be doing it too. Then you will realise that if you put yourself out there to look for a partner or a friend, you know you have the qualities that will attract the right person.

Go out there, loving yourself and others will love you too.