New years resolutions...really?

Well a very Merry Christmas to each and every one of you, and very soon we will start the year over in 2016 (making me feel very old indeed).

So, rightly so, it's the New Years Resolution issue, where I ask you... WHY? WHY are you making resolutions to start on the 1st January?

If you want to change your life so much, why are you waiting for a completely insignificant date to determine when you start this life change, and notoriously, give up when you fail to stick to it for more than a few weeks.

If you want to change your life, make sure you are ready. Don't look at a calendar and decide to be ready on the 1st January. Decide when you want to change your life. If you want to lose weight, but actually all your clothes fit, and you have a lot of fun eating out with your friends and you're not prepared to change that yet, then you're NOT READY TO GO ON A DIET. Maybe you just want to be more aware of what you're eating when you're not out socialising. That's not a diet, that's being sensible.

Maybe you want to join the gym. Why haven't you done this already? Do you hate going to the gym? How is January 1st going to change your feelings about gyms? Think of an alternative to the gym and when you're ready, start doing it.

Go out and find a wife? Is she in hiding until the 1st January? If you accidentally meet her on the 29th December, can you not pursue her?

Stop spending money? Are you going to spend every single penny you have or don't have in the week before New Years day, just so you can draw a line under it and stop on 1st January? How about NOT shopping in the Boxing day sales and looking at your spending as something to work on now, and not on a specific date. It's all your money being wasted now, whilst you wait for that insignificant date to base yourself on.

January 1st is a date. It might be a good date to start monitoring a list, a budget or something like that, and a great date if it's your birthday, but it's not a date to determine you changing all your thoughts and feelings about things you've not done for the past year!  That has to come from your heart and your head.

Wishing you all a happy, healthy, prosperous new year. And if you don't think it's 100% one of those, then give me a call!
www.alexisnoble.com

Why we need to speak our minds more...

In the light of the horrific attacks in Paris and other places around the world, our thoughts have gone haywire, and it is impossible not to have your own opinion on our current world.

Racial tension is high, nationalism is high but as we know, these are not racist or xenophobe attacks. These are attacks from a small group of radicals, who's beliefs do not actually fit in with any religious teachings or reading.  If people don't speak up and stand up for themselves, and turn a blind eye to what is going on, then it will continue.

This is the same in our personal lives. If you see things that you really don't appreciate or agree with, you need to stand up. It could be something simple, like the lack of road safety near a school, or seeing an animal being mistreated.  You might think that someone else will sort it out, and make the problem go away, but what if everyone is thinking the same thing.

It's time to let yourself be heard. People are not going to hate you for speaking your mind, and you just might make a difference.  If you don't complain about a bad haircut, there will be some poor hairdresser losing his reputation, and causing upset one client at a time. If you went back to him and said, I'm not happy with my wonky fringe, you are giving him the chance to make good his mistake and learn from it.

If you don't say anything about the drivers speeding down your road in the dark evenings, then you might be risking your or someone else's life by these inconsiderate drivers. If you spoke to your local council and expressed your views, and others did too, then measures can be taken and lives could be saved.

If you allow someone else to bully you, mentally or physically, but it's not so bad that you need to go to hospital/stay off work then you might be allowing them to do it to others. Others who are not as strong as you. Stand up, tell them what you don't like about their actions and let yourself be heard to stop them from ruining your life and others.

Shout from the rooftops. If you aren't concerned about doing it for your own welfare (although you very much should be) then do it for others. Do it to save lives, save embarrassment and encourage others to do the same.

Be different....

I felt the need to blog today about how more and more sheepish we are becoming. Not in a shy retiring way, but in a "like sheep" way, whereby we accept what the majority is doing is the norm and therefore we should fit in alongside it and live our lives this way.

Is that what you really want to do?  Does the pressure of other people's existing stop you from being you?  Ask yourself this question and really evaluate the answer you give yourself.

I had a client a few weeks ago, she had booked herself a cosmetic surgery operation and was excited about the prospect, but she was also very concerned that her friends thought she was mad. She was about to pay thousands of pounds to correct something on her body she was unhappy with, but her friends had nearly all said to her "we all have that problem, you just have to live with it. It's called aging".  But she was adamant she wanted this surgery to make her feel good about herself but now had the additional worry of being talked about. I said to her, "I bet you will be happy to be talked about when you feel amazing with your body." She did agree but felt it had separated herself a bit from her group of friends.

Another example is of a guy who is bored of getting drunk in the pub. All his friends go to the pub every friday night and they spend hours drinking as much as they can before they crawl home, usually in a state of 'not going to be able to get up on Saturday morning'. He wants to join them in the pub, but doesn't want to drink, and as a result has decided he can't join them any more and has separated himself from his friends.

The problem with both of these situations, is that they are personal choices made by two individuals who haven't followed the herds, but their thoughts of their 'herds' of friends judging them has put them at unease.  The simple solution is, what you're doing guys is great, fantastic. We actually all want to see others being different, doing things differently, but we still want you as our friend.  Embrace your differences and celebrate them. You are still the same person, and your friends will still love you, whatever personal choices you make.

From another angle, your differences may encourage the more sheep-like of your friends to follow their own paths and live their own lives, rather than those presented to them!

Go out and be your amazing self.
xx

Women - stop beating yourselves... and each other up

Goodness! How long have women been on the earth? Depending on your view of the past they started with either Eve or some beautiful lady ape who grew and straightened and got her hair sorted out until she resembled something more like the beauties we see in the mirrors today.

And in that time how long have women been having babies/not having babies/feeding babies/caring for babies and so on? Quite a long time as far as I can recall.

So why, oh why are we starting on one another by posting these unnecessary debates on social media about subjects that for hundreds and hundreds of years have been part of our lives, decisions made by us for us and knowing what is best for us.

Breastfeeding - Some women do it naturally, others don't. Some breastfeed privately, as they are uncomfortable with de-robing in public. Others don't care where in the world they are, they will feed as and when baby needs it. Some mothers would rather a bottle and some do a bit of both. In EVERY SINGLE CASE babies grow, are nutured, fed and get what they need.   Why this has suddenly become such a major topic I don't know, but listen girls. Let's get back to doing what we know best and maybe without the need of shouting about it on all the rooftops and in all the restaurants we frequent.

Abortion - Yes, this one has always been an opinionated subject, and there are women who are extremely anti-abortion, and those who understand that sometimes a women just cannot cope with such major change to their worlds. Each case of abortion is unique and very, very private. Again, it is not for others to shame women who have abortions or to state that someone should get rid of an unborn baby if they're not the right fit. Let's keep these decisions between a women and her body and trust  her to do the right thing.

Weight and body issues - Everyone is different, we are different heights, weight, hair colour, eye colour, skin colour, build, bone structure and that's just the obvious ones. If everybody looked the same, we'd get tired of looking at each other.  Women put pressure on other women to be something they are not, resulting in low self-confidence, eating disorders, stress and further self-induced illnesses. We are all beautiful, and the happier we are the more beautiful and radiant we look. Focus on being happy, and your beauty will shine out.

So, come on girls. Let's stop using social media as a platform to hurt each other and start using it to share our amazing lives and loves together,

Why is my child excluded?

Oh the joys of being back at school are once again upon us.

And once the children are back, the playdates and birthday party invitations begin again. I have noticed, as the children grow older, it's not feasible to have a whole class party every year. For one reason, it costs a fortune, and another is that as the children grow up, they form their own friendships and define their social lives out on the playground.

But what if you think your child isn't being included in these new friendships? What can you do as a parent, who isn't meant to be putting their nose into their child's business but their lack of invites is too apparent?

First of all, remember, this is your child's life and you don't want to cause a scene that will backfire on your child when you are out of the picture.

Secondly, talk to your child about what they like about school. Stick to positives, don't ask negative questions that will lead to negative responses.

Then move on to the other children, ask your child who they play with, or who they like to talk to if they say they don't play. If you really don't get any names out of your child, it's time to speak to their teacher.

Once you have a name, invite that child over for a playdate. Keep out of the kids way whilst they are playing, but keep an ear open to listen for clues on how it's going. If it goes well, you have a friend for your child. Don't necessarily wait for the other child's parents to reciprocate. If you don't get a return invite but the playdate went well, then invite that child over again. It doesn't have to be like for like, other families diaries and home styles don't always open up for playdates.

The main thing to remember is that you are doing this for your child, not to get a response from others, not to get invites, but to build friendships that will hopefully last.  Don't wait for your child to be invited. Do the inviting, encourage the friendships and support your child in their decisions to be happy.

How a mother of two lost 4 stone without dieting...

Summer is over, and the count down now is geared towards the little black dress season. Some people find it very easy to cut down their food, skip the chocolates and wine and get ready to party in their size 8 dresses. Most people don't.

We are a nation who love eating and drinking and our social calendars revolve around just that. So how is it possible to "diet" and have a life at the same time!

Answer - it's not!

Reason - diet's don't work.
The minute you sign up to a specific diet that makes you count points, exclude foods, write everything down and measure your 30g of cereal for breakfast (I mean seriously, who has only 30g?) you start to visualise all the foods you're not allowed, cheat on your measurements and crave those forbidden foods. So then you have a massive meltdown and gorge on them, feel bad and quit the diet.

So what should you do instead? - It's simple. Don't go on a diet. But if you do genuinely want to lose weight then learn about foods, learn about all the nutrients that help and hinder and as you reach for that cream cake, tell yourself that it will satisfy your cravings and you can eat healthier for the rest of the day.  Ask yourself if you think a full english fried breakfast is better than a grilled bacon sandwich. Both have the bacon (and ketchup) in but if you think you know that one might be a little too endulgent for you, then go for the other.

And so on.
Some people like to weigh themselves, others like to see how loose their clothes become. Some like to write diaries others don't like that pressure. Learn what you like but also look for help from those around you.

Please complete the following survey to give me your own feedback and get some exciting news coming up in the near future.

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What's next after exams?

So today is GCSE results day. I only know a handful of teenagers who have taken GCSE's this year, and well done to all of them and everyone else. Exam's are so stressful and can cause a lot of anxiety. They are forced on all children and often, when choosing which exams to take, there is a lot of persuasion from schools and teachers thinking about their own reputation.  So well done everyone. You've all done amazingly..... but what now?

A 16 year old won't necessarily know what they want out of life. Unless they have their lives pre-determined, laid out and are happy to follow those steps, then this is a life changing moment when young people must decide whether they want to carry on in education, get out and start earning money, stay at school or move away to college.

The first question I always ask my young clients is "What do you like?" They often look at me, as if they should answer in terms of occupation and I get blank looks. So the question I re-ask is "What do you like, in life, in general, as a hobby, as an interest". My clients chat to me and I love the animation as they tell me about the things they enjoy in life.
Most of the time, they put no connection to the things they love and careers (think theme parks, horses, shopping).

But hear this - virtually every single thing we come across in life will have at least one job associated with it. There are theme park workers, owners, head office workers. There are jockeys, horse racing career paths, personal shoppers, retail managers etc).

So if you are in a position where you don't know what steps to take next, think about what you love. Decide whether further education will help to create a career around your hobby and think slightly longer term (although we are still only 16 years old here, so long term doesn't factor highly) as to whether your education/apprentice/straight into work will be transferable, should you decide in a few years that it's not the move for you.  Then look into your hobbies and see what careers are available, and what would suit you or what you could build up to.

Whilst you're in a position hopefully to stay at home, be supported by your family and not worry about mortgage repayments yet make the most of being young, making choices, making mistakes and making more choices. But importantly, try and have as much fun along the way, because this is the start of the rest of your life.

Enjoy!
www.alexisnoble.com

New Dads matter too...

I have recently been working with a few new Dads. Lovely, caring gentlemen with gorgeous new babies to enjoy.  They are however troubled, and rightly so have sought help from me to understand why they feel so neglected and unwanted at this time of massive change.

It's 100% true that when a baby is born, the mother will naturally turn her attention to the new baby. I have been there myself.  The thought process generally goes along the lines of -

1. I love my husband very much, but now this little person needs my attention all the time.
2. I love my husband very much but he can get on and do what he needs to do whilst I address the baby's needs.
3. I love my husband very much but I'm in pain and this is all his fault!
4. I love my husband very much but why can't he read my mind and just bring the biscuit tin in here, rather than me having to ask.
5. I love my husband very much but he can't produce breast milk...

and so on. Mothers don't intentionally neglect their partners but the general idea is that the father can cope on his own more than the baby can.

So as a father, what can you do to feel better about yourself, your partner and your new life?

Firstly, you need to understand the situation. Understand that the baby needs constant attention, but also that you can provide a lot of that attention. Don't be scared of your baby, you won't break her, but by building your relationship with her early on, you will also build up your own baby coping confidence and enjoyment of your new life.

It is very common to feel neglected by your partner at this time. Don't hide in the corner as a result, but talk to your partner, as you would want her to talk to you. Tell her how nervous you feel, how excited you feel but don't put any demands on her at this time (you will seriously get shot down).

Ask yourself how you would ideally like to be feeling in this situation, because this situation is here to stay, FOREVER! and work on changing the negative thoughts you have about your status to more positive ones.
For example - "I can't breastfeed therefore I can't feed the baby" can change to "I can give my partner a pillow to support herself whilst breastfeeding and make us both a cuppa for when she is done and I can burp baby over my shoulder.
Look at your baby strengths you may not realise you have yet. My husband was the champion baby burper, and it got to the point where NCT friends were handing over their babies for him to deal with once they were fed.
Maybe you're the fastest nappy changer, or can get baby to giggle before anyone else.  You won't know your strengths until you try them out, and whilst you're trying them out, not only are you gaining your number one fan, but also are putting yourself in an equally important role as Mum.

Show your partner, the world but most importantly yourself how great you are, and your own self worth will put you back in the limelight, alongside your adorable little baby. Not a competition for attention but a double act for life.

Breast or bottle? Who has the right to tell you?

I wanted to chat about the Breast and Bottle issue today, as it still forms such a major part of stressing out new mums. Surely they have enough to deal with, without people who have no knowledge of the new mothers boobs, dictating what they must or mustn't do.

Today I would like to share my own personal story, in the hope you will realise how it really is your own decision to make.

Of course, there are wonderful benefits to Breast feeding. It is totally natural, creates a bond with baby, totally free, contains amazing nutrients for your baby. BUT... some women cannot produce milk, some babies cannot feed from a nipple, some babies are adopted at birth, some breasts cannot cope with feeding and become infected. For those women there are so many different formula milks on the market, they can be confident that their baby too will get the nutrients and feeding they require.

I have given birth to two amazing children, aged 7 and 3. The births were very different from one another and the days following each birth was too.
With my eldest, I had a lot of problems giving birth. After a three day labour, and having signed for a c-section, I finally went into surgery. When my eldest daughter was born, she was taken immediately to the Special Care Baby Unit where, without any consultation, was given a bottle of milk.  Whilst in a ward babyless, I tried to express milk, as my midwife was very encouraging and I had all the "kit" to do this. My baby spent nearly three days in SCBU, and we both spent another two days on the ward where I was given free range to the formula milk, special sized bottles ready to serve a new born baby.  The midwives on the ward were mostly very accommodating, but I did come across one nurse, at 3am who shouted at me for not breast feeding my baby, wanted to stop me from using the hospital milk, as I hadn't brought in my own and caused me to spend hours in tears, fighting for my right to give my baby a bottle.

My second child was a planned c-section and I chose a different hospital this time. The overall experience was so much calmer, safer and quicker. Baby was born and back on the ward with me as soon as I was stitched up.  The midwife came to visit me and asked if I was going to Breast feed or Bottle feed. Out of fear of upsetting her, I said breastfeed. She took one look at me and said "If you want a bottle, get a bottle".  Breast feeding is not for me. I took a bottle and my baby latched on to it straight away. The midwife came back a little later to check on us, and I asked her why she was telling me Breast is Best and putting the pressure on. "My dear," she answered. "When you get home, you are going to do exactly what you want anyway, so why should I stress you out whilst you're in hospital first?".

If more health professionals were like this amazing midwife, we would reduce the amount of stress in new mums, reduce post-natal depression and allow babies and mothers to have the start that is most suited to them.

You, as a mother, are in full control of how you feed your baby. Don't be bullied into doing something you're not happy with, but rather concentrate on all the other worries such as poo colour, getting sick out of designer tops and managing to shower at some point in the first weeks of babyhood.

Comparing our babies

Firstly, apologies for the delay in getting this blog out to you. It's been such a busy month, Coaching, planning workshops and also quite a few birthday parties and cakes to make.  Anyway, we're here now and I'm excited to share with you a topic very close to my heart.

As new parents with young babies, it's inevitable that we compare our babies to others. Being in charge of something you have no prior experience with leads to asking those questions over and over in your head -
- Have I done the right thing
- Is my baby growing at the right speed
- Should he be sitting up now?
- Should he be crawling yet?

All these questions, and hundreds more make a parent seek out the answers, without necessarily asking them.  We join baby groups, NCT, toddlers, church groups, baby massage. And whether we think we are doing it or not, we are checking out the baby next to us, seeing how they compare to our own and putting doubt in our own minds if that other baby has reached a milestone first.  It's such a common anxiety, but one that is so unnecessary.

A major worry in this category for a lot of mothers, is being told by a Health Visitor that they are not reaching milestones. There is nothing more worrying that being told by someone with an official book that their baby is too big, too little, too fat or two thin. What as a parent are you supposed to do about that? Health Visitors are given forever changing information by officials who are certainly not mums on maternity leave.  They have a job to tick checklists and provide information back to the governing Health Bodies. If you personally are concerned about your child's development, then you will seek out the professional help you need. To be told something you cannot do anything about just adds to the frustration and anxiety that mothers do not need to add to their daily worries.

As adults we don't look around us and compare ourselves to our peers. We wouldn't think "Oh no, that person has passed their driving test at the age of 17 and I'm 35 and still not driving". We don't look at others and wonder why they are six foot tall and we are only five foot three. As adults we know, accept, understand and hopefully appreciate that everyone is different. We are unique and that is what makes us special.
And how did we come to be the unique individuals we are? We grew that way.

So, by all means, have a look at the baby next to yours and see how they are getting on. Then look back at your own baby. Ask yourself if your baby is happy, healthy, eating and at some point hopefully sleeping. If you answer yes to those questions, then be sure that your baby is doing just great.  You, as a parent and with your parent instinct will know if something is not quite right, and you need to seek medical advice, but generally babies will get there when they are ready.

The little girl who didn't start walking until she was 22 months old, is now running around the playground, dancing and doing gymnastics with her 7 year old peers. All doing exactly the same moves.

The little boy who, back in the late 70's didn't speak until he was almost 5 years old, is now a top hospital Brain Surgeon.

The baby boy who refused to crawl decided to skip that stage and go straight to walking just before a year.

Trust your instincts, trust that you know the person you have given birth to. Listen to your health team because you are told you have to, and know that your child is doing well because you're a great parent.

The bikini body issue?...

The weather is heating up, the flights are flying out to all the cheesy summer holiday destinations, and people want to sit by the pool or the beach and do nothing for a week or two.  Generally, that means stripping down to swimwear (otherwise you're jeans are going to get pretty heavy in the swimming pool).

The other week there was a billboard advertisement with a photo of a very attractive skinny lady in a bikini, and the words "Are you Beach Body Ready?".  There was uproar from many people who deemed it to promote negative body image. It was an advert for a slimming supplement, and although I wasn't impressed with the advert, I can see why they did what they did. They want people to want to resemble this skinny person and therefore use their products.

However, in realistic terms, there won't be many people out there who will think they can achieve that look in a couple of months using a supplement, unless they started off with that sort of body in the first place.

What we need to do, is think of the term Beach Body and decide for ourselves what we want to take from it.  For me personally, it means a paneled swimming costume and shaved legs and bits. I know what I look like with and without clothes. Nothing is going to stop me jumping in the pool to have fun with my children and I know I'm not going to look like a model in this lifetime! I will go out there and look like me but with less body hair!

Fashion retailers and slimming product providers are of course going to show off gorgeous people wearing little clothing, because they want you to think you can be like them. We shouldn't discriminate against naturally slim people, or some of these adverts, but instead we should focus on our own good points and accentuate these in order to enjoy ourselves on holiday and not worry,

Everyone has their own beauty, and that we are different is a beauty in itself. Take a look in the mirror now, and pick an area you are happy to have on show. This could be anything from a nice pair of boobs, to, if you are more self conscious, nice feet (especially with a pedicure). Take this area of your body and give it a little TLC, and think about that while you are lying on the beach. Think how it makes you happy and confident.  Think of how, just having the warm sun beating down on you makes you happy. That is what makes you bikini ready, whether you wear a bikini, swimsuit or sundress, it doesn't matter. Being happy = being confident. Being confident = being "bikini" ready.

Happy Holidays.

For more information please visit my website www.alexisnoble.com

Getting prepared for your little ones to start school

There comes a time, and a time we are all aware of, when the forms go in, the visits are taken to all the local primary schools, and a little 4 year old child is getting very excited.
The results come back and places are allocated. You tell your child about their new school and they are so excited, they might know some of the other children who are going, they are excited about meeting a new teacher, seeing a new building and playing with lots and LOTS of new toys.

But where does that leave you? Suddenly after four years of babes in arms, you are going to give them up 5 days a week to go somewhere where you are not by their side the whole time. You won't be there when they need to go to the toilet, you won't be there when they are eating their lunch or when another child challenges them with sharing rights.

It is so normal to feel panicky, depressed, and suddenly worthless. The first day of term is not just about your little one, but about you too, and unless you want to spend the day sitting outside the gates of the school in tears, you need to reflect on what you have done, and what is still to be done to make this a special moment for everyone.

Firstly, reflect on what you have done to get your child here in the first place, and I don't mean filling in forms and choosing the best school in the area. I mean preparing your child for this day. Something that starts so early, you have taught your child how to eat, how to dress, how to play, how to interact with children and adults. Vital skills they will appreciate on the first day of term.

Secondly, think about how they will act with you when they come home. It's important to remember that at this young age, children won't remember everything they have done, so when you ask them repeatedly what they did at school, who they played with, what they ate etc. they might not have an answer at all, but in their time, little snippets will slip out, but the most important thing is that you are the comfort they come home to after a manic day at school. Just being there puts your child back into their home comforts, the unspoken love of the family home.

Thirdly, do not ever think that your job is done, once you hand over to the teacher. Your job is barely started. Your child's teacher will influence the children during the school day, but you will still continue to teach, influence and provide for your children outside of school hours.

Finally, and very important too, think about having some time to yourself now, whether you work or are at home, it is vital to appreciate yourself and give time to yourself to do things you can't do when little ones are around. Whether that is shopping, concentrating on work, actually drinking a HOT cup of coffee, and being able to listen to your friends talking, rather than running off after a calling child, the list is endless.

So remind yourself, you are not giving up your child to someone else to take over the teaching, you are simply giving yourself some time to be you, and providing your child with fantastic new opportunities and excitement and when the two of you come back together again at the end of the school day, you will have more to share with each other and much more to learn from each other too.

How everyone parent's differently, but it doesn't have to affect your friendships

When we become parents, we are often thrown together with other new parents. The excitement and fear of this babe in arms, makes us think we all have so much in common, and we gel with our new friends as if they were sent down from above to socialise with us.

This is great whilst the baby doesn't do much, but as baby grows up and becomes toddler, then nursery child, then school child, and we start to form our own ideas of how to bring them up, things change.

Every parent does what they think is right or best for their child, and every parent will frown on something other parents do, even if they are your best friend.

This is normal. Do not think that your friendship is now over because you have different views of eating vegetables, or how many after school activities your child does, or when they do their homework.
It is actually very important and healthy to have friends who live their lives very differently from ourselves. If we all acted exactly the same, then we wouldn't be able to appreciate what we are doing for our children, or learn from others on new stances we can take.

Additionally every child is different, and some like to do things differently to others.  This isn't just something they learn from the way they are brought up, as parents of multiple children will confirm. You have two or three children, treat them and bring them up exactly the same and they will be as different as chalk and cheese!

So next time your child comes home from a playdate and says "Charlies mum lets him eat ice cream before dinner/have a late night/wears odd socks to school" don't tut and mutter about his mother under your breath. Listen to what your child is saying and maybe ask yourself, if I did that for my child on occasion would it ruin his whole upbringing? or say to yourself, its so funny how Charlie's family do things differently to ours, that difference is probably why the kids get on so well.

Embrace difference, it's what makes us all so interesting and fun to be with.

Coping at work... when you don't want to be there

There comes a time in most people's lives, when the day job really gets to you. Whether it's a bully boss, crap money, bad working environment, or just that you've had enough of the day to day monotony that is your job, you might start to think that you need a change.  And rightly so, once you feel that you no longer want to be in the environment you are in, you need to make changes, get your CV updated, think about what you want to be doing and start applying for new jobs or opportunities.

The only problem is, this process can sometimes take a very, very long time. And during that time, you tell yourself every day that you will get out of the hell hole and something amazing will happen. This is a fabulous, positive start, but the longer you stay in the "hell hole" the more you resent it. The more you dread going in every day, look for the worst in the work you do, the building, the people. You sneer at your colleagues and count down the minutes until you can leave again.

So what do you need to do? Firstly, praise yourself for recognising it's time to move on, and be happy that your CV is out there being circulated, that interview shirt is ironed and waiting and you are being pro-active, but then you DO have to go back to work, and you DO have to spend your hours there. So don't resent them, look at the positives that you enjoyed when you first started your job. Do you get on with your other colleagues? Then have a laugh with them, join in their banter, eat their cakes and chocolates and don't sit in the corner sulking. Think of the positives about the company itself, if there are any. Think how productive things are, how profitable it is doing (or not completely sinking, if not doing that well). If you tell yourself daily how much you hate your job and the place you're working in, then you will put yourself into a depression, one that you cannot do much about because you already are making the moves to get yourself out, its just sometimes a more lengthy process that you want. If you tell yourself you want to get out of there asap, but in the meantime, you will have a laugh, do your job as best you can and praise the company on their successes.

Just because you remain happy and positive does not mean you don't still want to leave. It just means that the road to the new job will be a much happier one, and one that you are in control of.

Getting back to work after babies.

Life leads us down strange paths. We grow up and go to school, college and beyond. We are constantly reminded about what amazing careers we can have, how we can earn lots of money, use our experience and our brains to be the best, climb the career ladder, be respected by our peers and work our butts off to prove we can do the best we can.

And then we get pregnant...

How quickly life can change. From climbing and climbing the ladder at work, our priorities suddenly change. As our tummies get bigger, our thoughts turn to those of motherhood. Suddenly, that project deadline isn't as vital as it used to be, and that database doesn't look quite as exciting as the new Fisher Price bouncer chair.  And then maternity leave starts.

UK mothers are lucky, we have a right to leave our workplace and still receive some income. Some bigger companies are very generous and will pay a very decent maternity pay to their employees, meaning that we can spend a year or so off work, and still be paid.  All too easily that year could be extended, or another baby comes along, the visits to take baby up to meet your colleagues and talk shop diminish as they are taken over by baby groups, toddler play and new mummy friends.

Maybe a year, two or five later, your little darling starts nursery or school and you feel that you are ready to get back to work.  But after such a long break, is your old job there to welcome you back? Unfortunately, employers aren't obliged to keep jobs open more than a year, and then the barrage of questions arise including: do I want to work full time? Do I want to work full time and then the additional 10 hours of overtime in my high powered job? Do I want to have to travel the world every other week.

Some women, quite understandably DO want to do that. They have had their break to have the babies and now want to get back into what they do best, and continue up the ladder of career success, others want to get more of an equal balance of home and work time and will look at part time jobs. It doesn't matter what you want to do, it matters how you give yourself the confidence to do it.

The thought of getting back into work after a long break can be terribly frightening. These thoughts include but are certainly not limited to
- what if I can't do my job anymore? What if technology has changed too much and I can't keep up? What if I don't want to work more than 20 hours, what if I go to work and I get a call to say my child is sick?

These thoughts make us feel scared, nervous, anxious, and certainly won't give us the power to hold our heads up high and get back into the field.  As a result, you may be more reluctant to apply for those jobs you know you could have done with your eyes shut a few years ago. You may not know what to put on your CV for the time you've not worked and the pressure of the unknown builds up.

But it doesn't have to be like that at all.
Firstly, decide how much time you want to spend at work, and how much at home. Decide how much money you would like to earn and earmark the sort of jobs you were doing BB (before baby) and what you might like to do now.

Secondly, when you write your CV, remember all the skills you had then, and haven't lost (it's difficult to lose skills without losing anatomy).  Add to that the skills you've gained as a mother, multi-tasking, project management, event planning, diary organising and you have already added additional quality to your CV.

Think about everything you are capable of and how much you have already achieved, think of the feelings that generates. Picture yourself at work and think about how that makes you feel.  How powerful, how clever, motivated you can be and then take those positive feelings, and put them in a power suit and go sell yourself at an interview. You know how great you can be, so tell your interviewer. Tell them you can tackle anything thrown at you (literally, you know that from having a baby). Your positivity will shine through and before you know it, your biggest quandary will be which job to take, how many hours to commit and what to wear on your first day.

Once you start your new job, you will find you are exhausted. You will do a days' work, come home and do a days' parenting,  and then collapse in a heap once the babies are asleep.  This is what ready meals and takeaways are made for. It won't be like that every day, you will gain your balance and realise that some things are not as important as others (tidying the house for one). Within a couple of weeks you will have forgotten how much time you had away from work to start with and will remember that not all conversations need to include nappies, nursery's and naughty nippers in them. 

Are you you, or just a parent?

There is no amount of preparation in Ante Natal classes, Gina Ford books, Midwife appointments that can really prepare you for having children. 9 months spent growing this small person inside you, hormones all over the place, other people giving you "advice", telling you what to do. and then out pops this small human being, who is slapped on the bum, made to cry and then handed over to you!
What the hell do you do with it?

As a parent it becomes all too apparent that you know what to do, instincts kick in and baby grows and before you know it you're the expert, telling others what to do, how to bring up baby, what to expect.

But sometimes it can all get a little overwhelming. Where is the old you? Have you lost your identity as an individual in your own right. Will you ever get it back? Do people only talk to you about your baby, how's he doing? is he weaning? No one asks how you are, or what you've eaten for lunch. Do you even ask yourself those questions? Do you find you have lost touch with old non-baby friends? Have they stopped calling you?

But despite having children, you are still you. You need to evaluate the way you are thinking about yourself as a parent and you have the choice of those thoughts. You can choose to think solely about when to prepare the next feed, when to change nappies and what story to read, or you could choose to think about what you will do with your evening, once baby has gone to sleep, what to read, to watch on TV, what to wear tomorrow and how great you are at multi-tasking, how this skill could be used in other areas.

It is SO important to keep your own identity if you still want to be the person you were before your children were born. Everyone loves your children but you still want them to love you, invite you out, have a laugh and talk about something other than nappies and first words. It does not make you love your children less or be less of a parent, in fact, it will make you more of a parent if you have more to share with your children outside of their own activities.
So think about yourself, feel good about yourself, do things for yourself and not only will YOU have a better life, but those around you will too.

In order to attract others, we must first be attracted to ourselves

So many people I come across who are lonely, say the can't attract the right partner or even the right friends. Doomed to be alone forever, they complain about themselves in every possible way. They complain about their looks, their personality, living situations and anything else they can think of.

So I say to them, put yourselves in your suitors shoes, if you were them, and came across your own profile, complaining about every aspect of yourself, how attractive would you find that? How quickly would you move on to the next person and forget about you?

You cannot change the way people think, and first impressions are the ones we usually react to, so what you have to do is market yourself. Quite simply, sell yourself in a way that if you came across yourself you would be very interested in finding out more.

This is very easily done. Simply make a list of all the good things about yourself. If you think you don't have any, ask other friends and family. Look around yourself, look at what you do and what you've achieved. If you still can't think of anything ask yourself this:

Are you really the ugliest person on the planet, that not one person could find attractive?

Are you really so dull, that you don't have anything to talk about even with the postman?

Have you really NEVER done anything exciting in your whole life? Ever?

Have you never had anything to smile about EVER?

Once you answer these questions, you will see how easy it is to see the positives in yourself, and once you see the positives, you might even start to like yourself. Look in the mirror and smile at yourself. Pay yourself a compliment. Have you ever done that before? Tell yourself you're looking good, your skin is clear, you've lost a pound, you did so well at work yesterday. Once you start to do this, and get comfortable doing this, you will think correctly that others should be doing it too. Then you will realise that if you put yourself out there to look for a partner or a friend, you know you have the qualities that will attract the right person.

Go out there, loving yourself and others will love you too.

Dogs don't hold grudges

Something that people do all the time. We have a friend/family member, they do something to majorly piss us off, and then that's that. Everytime that person comes into our lives, we think back to the thing they did to annoy or upset us.
We look at them with different eyes, they are no longer the person we once loved, the laughs we used to have and the secrets we used to share,

How can you keep that one thought for so long to ruin such a relationship. My dog doesn't do that!
Just yesterday my dog did something really REALLY bad, I won't go into the details, because that's between me and him, but suffice to say, when I caught him, he got thrown into the garden for about an hour. He's normally out there for 5-10 periods and when he wants to come in, he jumps up at the door and we let him in. He knew he had done wrong. He sat by the door and pined, he stared at me walking past the door. His tail between his legs.

After that hour, I let him in, he slunk to his bed and we went out for a couple of hours. When I got home, he knew it was a fresh start. He ran over to me, sat by my feet, not as cheeky as normal jumping up, but we looked at each other and knew that that mornings antics were over, and we were back to normal. He wagged his tail, we cuddled and all forgotten.

Sometimes, people need to be more like dogs. If someone has done something to hurt you, think about how you can overcome it. Swear and shout for a bit, and then look at your relationship with that person. Is is really worth losing so much over? Can you not express your concern "What you said/did has really pissed me off"
"Oh i'm sorry, I didn't mean to"
"That's ok, please don't mention/do that again, it really hurts!"
"No, I didn't realise how much that would upset you, I won't do it again"
"Great, Fancy a coffee?"

Everyone, at some point in their life will piss someone else off, and be pissed off by someone close. Get over it. Move on and don't hold grudges.

Is the grass always greener on the other side?

Do you find that you are always looks at your friends, colleagues, acquaintances and complete strangers and thinking how much better they have it than you?
Do you think that they must go home, after a fun day in their fabulous job, to a loving other half, in their big, clean, decorated house, with well-behaved children, non shedding pets to an evening of laughter, fun and then lots of passion.
Do you think that the person in the queue in front of you in Asda must be the luckiest person in the world, because they are skinny and only have chocolate and wine in their trolley?
What about that person on the train, always smiling as their eye-devour their Iphone the whole journey?

They've all got it so much better than you, right? Probably WRONG!

It's funny how we make assumptions about the people around us, how we automatically see the imperfections in our own lives and wish we had what others have. But you never really know what goes on behind all those other doors and what is hidden from the surface.
It's very common, when meeting new people, and new potential friends that we see what we want to see, but sometimes we "see" too much in our picture of people, and to make a good impression, we ourselves don't want to start pouring our hearts out to new acquaintances. You don't want to scare them off, do you?
But rather than building a picture, based on absolutely nothing, of an idealist world you wished you lived in, that your friend probably does, and thus putting your own life down and feeling low about it, why don't you stand back and take a look at your own life. Look at the things that others might be envious of in YOUR life.
Yes, you might have just had a blazing row with your other half, but don't you just love the make up nooky. So what if your kids leave a trail of lego across the floor, purposely for your bare feet to find, check out that castle they just built. You never knew they were so creative.
Oh, and you're half a stone overweight? Poor skinny Minny down the road, hasn't eaten a piece of chocolate in two years, and there is a special offer on Thornton's with your name on it.

If you stop drooling over the fence at the greener grass (or are you looking through green tinted glasses), and look at your own grass, you will notice, between the tiny bare and muddy patches that always catch your eye, that the grass is actually not only a lush, deep green, but there are also Daisy's popping up all over it and it looks pretty, damn fine.  Then take a peek at your friends peering over at your grass, with that same look in their eyes, and do them a favour by pointing out their own Daisy's. Then move indoors and look at something that really makes you smile. Hold that thought in your head, and next time you wish your life was like your friend's, bring that thought forward and let the others wonder why you're so damn happy and smiley!